Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Who's The Arsehole?

The April issue of MOJO has a feature on Queen that has drummer Roger Taylor relating a tale of playing shows with Lynyrd Skynyrd in Germany in 1971. (The date is doubtful, see note at bottom.) Taylor says:

"They were awful. They were Southern rednecks and they could not believe it when they saw us four caked in make-up and dressed like women. They were outraged, confused and a little frightened, because the four nancy boys were giving them quite a run for their money on-stage ... God, Lynyrd Skynyrd! They were arseholes, frankly. When they played that song 'Free Bird' it seemed to go for months. As I remember they had three lead guitarists. Hmmm, well we only seemed to need one. Absolute arseholes. Later on they had that terrible fatal plane crash, didn't they? Shouldn't speak ill of the dead ... bollocks to that!"

Hey Roger Taylor:

The guys in Lynyrd Skynyrd went through the South in the late sixties and early seventies as rock-n-rollers with long hair! Do you think the sight of four effeminate limeys would scare them after facing all the good-old-boy roadside bars and backwoods joints they played while woodshedding? Ever heard Charlie Daniels' "Uneasy Rider"?

If you are stupidly going to refer to the members of Skynyrd as "rednecks" because they were from the South (which, by the way Rog, is where rock 'n' roll was born), then I am going to refer to you and your fellow bandmates as "swishy Brits." And it's off the topic, but why has your country continued to make such pussified rock 'n' roll for the past quarter-century or so? Is the swishiness in your blood or what?

And yes, while Skynyrd had three guitarists, they also didn't have to spend eight months in the studio overdubbing/multitracking/whatevering to come up with "Workin' For MCA" or "Saturday Night Special" - rockers which simply and straightly kick the ass of anything you and your mates ever came up with. "Free Bird" goes on for months? You're one to talk - how about "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions" monstrosity? Fuck, at least Skynyrd wasn't channeling a Nuremberg rally. I'll put the original Skynyrd's output of Pronounced through Street Survivors up against anything your cute little band came up with any time.

"Bollocks" to respect for the dead? I agree. When Freddie Mercury croaked, I did a shot and cracked a beer and broke down and cried! Queen could never again get together to create more gems like "Bicycle Race"! Oh no! The tragedy! No more pretentious, overblown, aristocratic British rock! No more brilliance ala "Body Language"! Boo-hoo! What a loss!

Finally, Roger, let's get something straight. Lynyrd Skynyrd was one of the finest, toughest, rock 'n' roll bands ever. Queen was an overblown, crappy pomposity of an outfit that performed show tunes covered up with a buncha overdubbed guitars and vocals. And as I type this, I sincerely hope that wherever they are ... Ronnie Van Zant is busting a pool cue over Freddie Mercury's skull.

(Note: A letter-writer in the June issue of MOJO points out that the concerts occurred in 1974 and sent a photo of a ticket stub to prove it. Makes sense as Skynyrd was still in the bars in '71 and Queen's first album didn't come out until '73 - sloppy fact-checking by MOJO. The letter-writer also says at the show he attended that Skynyrd blew people away and half the crowd left before Queen came on. He and his pals got bored with Queen after a few numbers and also left.)

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Never Mind The Art, Here's Me Discussing What Guys Are Debating
How I Ignored Meg White And Lived To Tell About It

I find Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs soooo not attractive (hey ... maybe try a different facial expression for a photo for once); same for Brody Armstrong from the Distillers. Bulky, sulky punk-rock chicks don't do much for me. Just gimme some immensely-talented, impossibly-tiny, huge-eyed waifs like Polly Jean Harvey (haven't heard it yet, but her new album will likely blow away any memories I have of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs or the Distillers) and sixties or seventies-era Joan Didion.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

It's So Hard To Find Good Help These Days

Those unfortunate Republicans. They just can't seem to make the right choices when it comes to Iraqi leaders. Twenty years ago they buddied up to Saddam Hussein. This week they completed their turnabout on Ahmed Chalabi. Better luck next time.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

I'm Just Not Sure What It Says

Tonight after the Wolves game I was able to find NBA Western Conference Finals game start times from a ticket scalpers website; and NOT say, the Wolves or Lakers sites or the Star Tribune site or KFAN's site or ESPN's site. That says something about this great country of ours.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Exiled Goes To War: We've Got Scuds, Mustard Gas, Some ICBMs ...

"This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war."

The above is what Minnesota Timberwolves player Kevin Garnett said on Monday about tonight's Game Seven with the Sacromento Kings to get folks in a ridiculous "you can't say that stuff when there's a war on" tiff. I chuckled when I first heard Garnett's war quote. For years athletes and media types have used war, hero, and courage comparisions when talking about games; things like: "He's a warrior.", "He's a guy you want to go to war with.", "It'll be a war.", "It was a battle in the trenches out there.", "He showed such courage playing with a bruised thigh.", etc. etc. Garnett simply took the analogies to their logical conclusion and then came under fire took criticism for it. (He has since apologized profusely.) Oh well, maybe it'll get people to remember that these are merely games and any war references are kinda silly.

In Patrick Reusse's column today (most of which is dedicated to mocking the Kings' Anthony Peeler - I had forgotten how joyful it is to read a Reusse hatchet job), he asks his son, a Marine about to be deployed to the Persian Gulf for the third time, how he feels about Garnett's words. His son said:

"That's it . . . some people are upset about that?"

Later, the junior Reusse adds a shot worthy of his dad:

"If the Vikings had that same attitude for a big game as Garnett, we wouldn't still be waiting for them to win a Super Bowl."

Monday, May 10, 2004

They Just Don't Make 'Em Like This Anymore

Drinks enjoyed by Coach Morris Buttermaker (a.k.a. Butterworth, Buttercrumb, Boilermaker) in "The Bad News Bears."

1) Opening scene/first practice: Budweiser can with Jim Beam mixed in.

2) League party at Pizza Hut: Undetermined, top of beer glass spotted.

3) At the batting cage: Undetermined green bottle, likely a bigmouth bottle of Mickey's with Jim Beam topper.

4) While team cleans a pool: Martini mixed by Lupus.

5) While pitching BP: Miller High Life cans, eight empties counted.

6) Team photo: Schlitz 16-oz can.

7) First game: Schlitz 16-oz can, two empties spotted.

8) Third game: Pabst can.

9) Victory pour over Amanda: Undetermined can.

10) Amanda is sick in the dugout: Undetermined can.

11) Icing down Amanda's elbow: Budweiser can.

12) Announcing final innning lineup at championship game: Coors can.

13) Team falls apart: Coors can.

14) Final inning: Undetermined brown bottle.

15) Final inning: Coors can (possible continuity problem, see #14 and #16.)

16) Loss celebration: Undetermined brown bottle.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Safety First
Get Drunk In The Basement And You Won't Fall Down The Stairs

I recall that during my brother's college or post-college years in Greeley, Colorado, they had a tornado warning and he and his buds headed for a bar that was located in a basement. (Randy, please chime in for further details or corrections.) In that spirit, and after hearing the warning sirens go off tonight during our heavy storms, I have a short list of Twin Cites bars that have bars located in basements:

Williams Bar - Uptown Minneapolis
Turf Club - St. Paul Midway
Dinkytowner Cafe - Dinkytown
Half-Time Rec - St. Paul

Others might include:

Spring Street Bar (is the basement open other than Motley Tuesdays?) - Northeast Minneapolis
Nye's? - Northeast Minneapolis
Fowl Play? - Dinkytown

Any others? Feel free to comment. It'd be a big help to those of us without basements.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Friends did not at all end like I had imagined it:

Joey - Is revealed he's been on Viagra for three years now.

Chandler - Dumps controlling, obsessive Monica. Goes into hiding to become a writer.

Ross - Gets offed by coffee shop geek Gunther in murder/suicide.

Monica - Gets committed to mental institution. Straightjacket, padded room, the whole works.

Phoebe - Confesses that she truly is, like, fifty-five years old.

Rachel - Starts amateur porn webcam site with Linda from Becker.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

As My Friend Greg Said: "Axl Of Evil"

Which will happen first?

1) Guns 'n Roses release the Chinese Democracy album.

2) We find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Monday, May 03, 2004

The Da Vinci Code: This decade's The Celestine Prophecy

I'm glad I took a night's break from The Da Vinci Code to read Lester Bangs. He was a stylist and Da Vinci author Dan Brown sure ain't no stylist, unless "clunky" is a writing style. The five New York Times bestselling authors who slobbered over this novel on the back cover are frauds. Three refer to this book as a "thriller", yet never was the fate of the protagonists in doubt. You know a novel's boring when you're hoping someone would just die already to spice things up.

As for the ancient mysteries angle, I think I've read this novel before ... Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum, which was much better. (Translated from Italian even.) At least that guy's got a sense of humor.

But thanks to the Minneapolis Public Library I wasn't cheated out of $24.95.