Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Tuesday Tuneage
Childbirth - "Siri, Open Tinder"
2015

PART I: I'M GOING NOWHERE FAST

Valentine's Day, ugh. My current self-deprecating jokes on my (lack of a) love life are "I haven't had a date since the Nixon administration" and "I'm never sure how many oxen I should offer to an intended bride's father." When I was younger, my Valentine's Day "celebration" involved Mickey D's or KFC scarfed down with some Schmidt or Premium in cans while listening to Metallica, then it um, evolved into replacing greasy fast food with even more righteous noise and drinks with a harder edge. A favorite memory is driving down Lake Street after scoring Motorhead's The Chase Is Better Than The Catch: The Singles A's And B's* and a bottle of Jagermeister and contemplating speeding up as I approached couples racing across the street hand-in-hand.** Last year VD Day (ha ha) fell on a Saturday and my playlist was rather glorious. This year I read a newspaper, a magazine, and a book for almost twelve hours straight. Didn't even tempt myself with a Brisk Iced Tea, keeping a clear head for more reading on Monday at the coffee shop. Maturity vs. no guts, lack of vision vs. a studious calm.

PART II: RADIO K, YESSIR

The radio in my office has five presets. Number four is Jack FM and number 5 is Radio K. When accounting work gets weary and I tire of sports talk, inevitably my digits go to hitting 4 or 5 on this radio. The Jack because it will play something fun or funny and Radio K because it will play something sweet out of the blue that I am unfamiliar with. And sheesh, Radio K scratched whatever mental itch I had on a day last week because I scrambled to Shazam the hell out of a catchy chorus-friendly song they were playing and found out it was Childbirth, a band out of Seattle, with "Siri, Open Tinder." Like The Replacements' "I Don't Know" it's driven by its call-and-response choruses; like that 'Mat's tune it is such a blast that the lyrics top the sundae rather than making it too precious. For instance:

shirtless (swipe left)
gym rat (swipe left)
dreadlocks (swipe left)
spaghetti straps (swipe left)
Siri, open Tinder

single dad (swipe left)
Seahawks (swipe left)
married couple (swipe right)
group shot (which one are you??)
Siri, open Tinder

PART III: PEACE WITH HONOR

Even a clueless, socially-avoiding oldster like me knows that with Tinder, swipe left means reject the suitor and swipe right means accept him or her. Not that I've actually used Tinder, I learned the whole swipe left/swipe right thing from a sports radio bit. I wasn't even curious about it but then a Tinder-using friend informed me and also said that you need a Facebook account to access it. Dohkay. Facebook? Tinder? These are cons to rope me into meeting and possibly spending time with people, which will distract me from my social media mission, which is to monitor Twitter for the best cheap shots. (And hopefully add my own, fortune favors the bold.)

So yes, I enjoy a song about an app I've never used more than I actually enjoy using any app to meet people/hook up (or whatever the kids call it these days)/face weeks of regret. Sounds about right. Nixon administration.

* Punctuation pet peeve: Apostrophes do NOT denote plural!

** Wait a sec: This was different from a typical night behind the wheel in Uptown how?