Monday, July 21, 2003

The New Man
Thank God I'm Old School

Page one of today's Pioneer Press's Express section was as baffling as it was chuckle-worthy.

Communications group Euro RSCG conducted a study that detected a segment of men who have been dubbed "metrosexuals": "Somewhere between a man who never clips his nose hairs and one who is so fastidious that his pedicures are booked a year in advance sits the metrosexual male. Sports section in hand, golf clubs/basketball/soccer ball at the ready, he can cook up a blow-your-socks-off pasta feast while discussing the merits of wines and wrenches with equal intensity."

Says advertising sales rep Randall Cross: "(They) probably use more exfoliating products than the guys 50 years ago." What in the world is an exfoliating product?

Says Marian Salzman of Euro RSCG: "Advertising right now treats men like buffoons." Help - we're being repressed! The ones who bother me are those buffoons in the Bud Light commercial who jump through hoops to take other people's Bud Light. Most beer drinkers run to the liquor store and stock up when their beer supply is running low, but the guys in these commercials scheme and plot and damn near die just to get one bottle of Bud Light.

Salzman continues: "It doesn't treat them like caring, sensitive co-parents and partners." Huh? What is a CO-parent? Is that like how "regardless" and "irregardless" mean the same thing?

Says the study's authors: "They're knowledgeable about clothes and - unlike the stereotype of the American male - they enjoy shopping for them." Who are these guys? Are they the ones who can wear vests and can get away with it?

The study also says: "38 percent consider themselves 'foodies.'" What is a "foodie"? And do they use exfoliating products to work their wonders in the kitchen?

Salzman again: "They wanted to partner with one lover and raise happy and healthy children as their key priorities." Partner with a lover? How romantic - I hope you share many core competencies and are able to successfully pull off your co-parenting duties.

The article concludes with the Salzman quote: "We heard the guys say, 'I want to be the best friend, the best lover and best shopping partner of my partner.'" One word to describe the metrosexual ... clingy. Or ... liar.