Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Tuomala To Brit - Don't Tread On Me

Today someone emailed me a message that was allegedly from John Cleese. It was an attempt at humor, that stated how the UK was "revoking" our independence. However - our independence was fought for, not granted. I remain unimpressed with the UK - hey go invent your own popular music genres for once, if you are able.

Here is the "Cleese" message, down below are my responses:

Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.


9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.


#1 If you guys are so goddamned smart, why don't you still rule the world? We talk the way we wanna talk. When we say "jump", Tony Blair understands totally and completely. If it weren't for us, you'd be speaking German which your royalty probably does anyway because THEY ARE ALL FUCKING GERMANS.

#3 We will do this once you beat us in a war.

#4 My six-pack of Colt .45 next July 4th is dedicated to you, you I-was-funny-thirty-years ago madman!

#5 I wish Hunter S. Thompson were still here to blow your brains out.

#6 "Union-made on American soil." Now I want to blow your brains out.

#8 We are not Canadian, we are American. It's called ketchup. Don't lecture us on cuisine - please - there is no demand for British entrees here in the USA.

#10 This car is powered by Schlitz. No matter how much I drink, your women don't look better.

#11 It was called "Band of Brothers." Okay, it wasn't quite Hollywood, but it allowed British actors to portray American soldiers winning World War II. For the British. You're welcome.

#12 I remember being in Brit's Pub with a soccer game on the tube. The score was, amazingly, 0-0. I kept thinking "OMIGOD! THIS GAME IS ABOUT TO BUST WIDE OPEN!" The real world is the six hockey-playing powers: USA, Canada, Russia, Czech Republic, Finland, Sweden. All other countries are third world. Soccer is for children. Grow up already.

#14 Okay. But first we'll bomb the shit out of you like Germany would have if it wouldn't have been for us. (Twice.)

Extra credit: Cleese - been in anything that anyone has seen lately?