Who's The Arsehole?

The April issue of MOJO has a feature on Queen that has drummer Roger Taylor relating a tale of playing shows with Lynyrd Skynyrd in Germany in 1971. (The date is doubtful, see note at bottom.) Taylor says:

"They were awful. They were Southern rednecks and they could not believe it when they saw us four caked in make-up and dressed like women. They were outraged, confused and a little frightened, because the four nancy boys were giving them quite a run for their money on-stage ... God, Lynyrd Skynyrd! They were arseholes, frankly. When they played that song 'Free Bird' it seemed to go for months. As I remember they had three lead guitarists. Hmmm, well we only seemed to need one. Absolute arseholes. Later on they had that terrible fatal plane crash, didn't they? Shouldn't speak ill of the dead ... bollocks to that!"

Hey Roger Taylor:

The guys in Lynyrd Skynyrd went through the South in the late sixties and early seventies as rock-n-rollers with long hair! Do you think the sight of four effeminate limeys would scare them after facing all the good-old-boy roadside bars and backwoods joints they played while woodshedding? Ever heard Charlie Daniels' "Uneasy Rider"?

If you are stupidly going to refer to the members of Skynyrd as "rednecks" because they were from the South (which, by the way Rog, is where rock 'n' roll was born), then I am going to refer to you and your fellow bandmates as "swishy Brits." And it's off the topic, but why has your country continued to make such pussified rock 'n' roll for the past quarter-century or so? Is the swishiness in your blood or what?

And yes, while Skynyrd had three guitarists, they also didn't have to spend eight months in the studio overdubbing/multitracking/whatevering to come up with "Workin' For MCA" or "Saturday Night Special" - rockers which simply and straightly kick the ass of anything you and your mates ever came up with. "Free Bird" goes on for months? You're one to talk - how about "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions" monstrosity? Fuck, at least Skynyrd wasn't channeling a Nuremberg rally. I'll put the original Skynyrd's output of Pronounced through Street Survivors up against anything your cute little band came up with any time.

"Bollocks" to respect for the dead? I agree. When Freddie Mercury croaked, I did a shot and cracked a beer and broke down and cried! Queen could never again get together to create more gems like "Bicycle Race"! Oh no! The tragedy! No more pretentious, overblown, aristocratic British rock! No more brilliance ala "Body Language"! Boo-hoo! What a loss!

Finally, Roger, let's get something straight. Lynyrd Skynyrd was one of the finest, toughest, rock 'n' roll bands ever. Queen was an overblown, crappy pomposity of an outfit that performed show tunes covered up with a buncha overdubbed guitars and vocals. And as I type this, I sincerely hope that wherever they are ... Ronnie Van Zant is busting a pool cue over Freddie Mercury's skull.

(Note: A letter-writer in the June issue of MOJO points out that the concerts occurred in 1974 and sent a photo of a ticket stub to prove it. Makes sense as Skynyrd was still in the bars in '71 and Queen's first album didn't come out until '73 - sloppy fact-checking by MOJO. The letter-writer also says at the show he attended that Skynyrd blew people away and half the crowd left before Queen came on. He and his pals got bored with Queen after a few numbers and also left.)

Never Mind The Art, Here's Me Discussing What Guys Are Debating
(or)
How I Ignored Meg White And Lived To Tell About It

I find Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs soooo not attractive (hey ... maybe try a different facial expression for a photo for once); same for Brody Armstrong from the Distillers. Bulky, sulky punk-rock chicks don't do much for me. Just gimme some immensely-talented, impossibly-tiny, huge-eyed waifs like Polly Jean Harvey (haven't heard it yet, but her new album will likely blow away any memories I have of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs or the Distillers) and sixties or seventies-era Joan Didion.

It's So Hard To Find Good Help These Days

Those unfortunate Republicans. They just can't seem to make the right choices when it comes to Iraqi leaders. Twenty years ago they buddied up to Saddam Hussein. This week they completed their turnabout on Ahmed Chalabi. Better luck next time.

I'm Just Not Sure What It Says

Tonight after the Wolves game I was able to find NBA Western Conference Finals game start times from a ticket scalpers website; and NOT say, the Wolves or Lakers sites or the Star Tribune site or KFAN's site or ESPN's site. That says something about this great country of ours.

Exiled Goes To War: We've Got Scuds, Mustard Gas, Some ICBMs ...

"This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war."

The above is what Minnesota Timberwolves player Kevin Garnett said on Monday about tonight's Game Seven with the Sacromento Kings to get folks in a ridiculous "you can't say that stuff when there's a war on" tiff. I chuckled when I first heard Garnett's war quote. For years athletes and media types have used war, hero, and courage comparisions when talking about games; things like: "He's a warrior.", "He's a guy you want to go to war with.", "It'll be a war.", "It was a battle in the trenches out there.", "He showed such courage playing with a bruised thigh.", etc. etc. Garnett simply took the analogies to their logical conclusion and then came under fire took criticism for it. (He has since apologized profusely.) Oh well, maybe it'll get people to remember that these are merely games and any war references are kinda silly.

In Patrick Reusse's column today (most of which is dedicated to mocking the Kings' Anthony Peeler - I had forgotten how joyful it is to read a Reusse hatchet job), he asks his son, a Marine about to be deployed to the Persian Gulf for the third time, how he feels about Garnett's words. His son said:

"That's it . . . some people are upset about that?"

Later, the junior Reusse adds a shot worthy of his dad:

"If the Vikings had that same attitude for a big game as Garnett, we wouldn't still be waiting for them to win a Super Bowl."

They Just Don't Make 'Em Like This Anymore

Drinks enjoyed by Coach Morris Buttermaker (a.k.a. Butterworth, Buttercrumb, Boilermaker) in "The Bad News Bears."

1) Opening scene/first practice: Budweiser can with Jim Beam mixed in.

2) League party at Pizza Hut: Undetermined, top of beer glass spotted.

3) At the batting cage: Undetermined green bottle, likely a bigmouth bottle of Mickey's with Jim Beam topper.

4) While team cleans a pool: Martini mixed by Lupus.

5) While pitching BP: Miller High Life cans, eight empties counted.

6) Team photo: Schlitz 16-oz can.

7) First game: Schlitz 16-oz can, two empties spotted.

8) Third game: Pabst can.

9) Victory pour over Amanda: Undetermined can.

10) Amanda is sick in the dugout: Undetermined can.

11) Icing down Amanda's elbow: Budweiser can.

12) Announcing final innning lineup at championship game: Coors can.

13) Team falls apart: Coors can.

14) Final inning: Undetermined brown bottle.

15) Final inning: Coors can (possible continuity problem, see #14 and #16.)

16) Loss celebration: Undetermined brown bottle.

Safety First
(or)
Get Drunk In The Basement And You Won't Fall Down The Stairs

I recall that during my brother's college or post-college years in Greeley, Colorado, they had a tornado warning and he and his buds headed for a bar that was located in a basement. (Randy, please chime in for further details or corrections.) In that spirit, and after hearing the warning sirens go off tonight during our heavy storms, I have a short list of Twin Cites bars that have bars located in basements:

Williams Bar - Uptown Minneapolis
Turf Club - St. Paul Midway
Dinkytowner Cafe - Dinkytown
Half-Time Rec - St. Paul

Others might include:

Spring Street Bar (is the basement open other than Motley Tuesdays?) - Northeast Minneapolis
Nye's? - Northeast Minneapolis
Fowl Play? - Dinkytown

Any others? Feel free to comment. It'd be a big help to those of us without basements.

Friends did not at all end like I had imagined it:

Joey - Is revealed he's been on Viagra for three years now.

Chandler - Dumps controlling, obsessive Monica. Goes into hiding to become a writer.

Ross - Gets offed by coffee shop geek Gunther in murder/suicide.

Monica - Gets committed to mental institution. Straightjacket, padded room, the whole works.

Phoebe - Confesses that she truly is, like, fifty-five years old.

Rachel - Starts amateur porn webcam site with Linda from Becker.

As My Friend Greg Said: "Axl Of Evil"

Which will happen first?

1) Guns 'n Roses release the Chinese Democracy album.

2) We find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

The Da Vinci Code: This decade's The Celestine Prophecy

I'm glad I took a night's break from The Da Vinci Code to read Lester Bangs. He was a stylist and Da Vinci author Dan Brown sure ain't no stylist, unless "clunky" is a writing style. The five New York Times bestselling authors who slobbered over this novel on the back cover are frauds. Three refer to this book as a "thriller", yet never was the fate of the protagonists in doubt. You know a novel's boring when you're hoping someone would just die already to spice things up.

As for the ancient mysteries angle, I think I've read this novel before ... Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum, which was much better. (Translated from Italian even.) At least that guy's got a sense of humor.

But thanks to the Minneapolis Public Library I wasn't cheated out of $24.95.

Lester Bangs Night

Tonight I've been drinking beer and vodka (but not cough syrup) and reading Lester Bangs, who died on this day in 1982. A few feeble random notes for any fellow Lester fans out there:

- I love how he rips early-eighties hardcore. ("This stuff sounds a whole lot like much of the heavy metal shit I grew up on, if you forget your guitar-flash Aerosmiths or maybe guitar solos altogether and dig back into some of the really vile metal stuff like Grand Funk, Bloodrock, and Jukin' Bone, or play a Black Sabbath track at twice the speed.")

- The "Bowling For Supergroups: The Beck Years" chapter in the Rod Stewart bio is hilarious. I ended up ordering a Vanilla Fudge album online after I read it. And as I type this I'm enduring/enjoying the Beck, Bogert, and Appice album.

- Current favorite quote in a Bangs piece that isn't by Bangs: (A friend once said when I played the Yardbirds for him that, "It sounds like they just sat down and said, 'Okay, you mothas, here's what you're going to be doing for the next five years!'")

- "Guess Who: Live At The Paramount" is awesome. Still haven't figured out if he truly liked the album or not. Still don't care.

- His about-face on Exile on Main Street (he panned it, then fell in love with it, but still took the Stones to task for their distance-ness on their '72 tour) is honest and timeless. I listened to Exile last night on headphones and it truly is the best album the Stones ever made.

- It's easy to go through life not giving a damn. Reading Bangs reaffirms my need to give a damn. Just don't make me leave my apartment.

- I'm so sorry that he died while listening to a Human League album. Forget the drugs for a second; could it be that shitty, cold, Brit synth-crap music killed Lester Bangs? ... then again, maybe he liked it.

Also A Great Def Leppard Tune

I never did get down with the old name that much. I think it was some sort of attempt at branding, or whatever term the geniuses (cough cough) who used to major in marketing now use.

So now the name of this blog is "Rocks Off." And I promise to keep it for at least thirteen months.

Having Fun With Your Voices From "The Simpsons"

If you can do Waylon Smithers, then you can do MPR Midday host Gary Eichten. Likewise, if you can do Chief Wiggum, then you can do Gopher hockey play-by-play announcer Frank Mazzacco.

Best. Year. Ever.

Pete Scholtes over at Complicated Fun has asked folks to chip in with memories from 1984. My mini-memoir of seeing Michael Jordan at Chicago Stadium was posted yesterday.

But the one you really need to read is G.R. Anderson Jr.'s piece on Van Halen's 1984 album. Awesome.

And Doc, If You're Reading This - I'm Just Joking Around ... You're The Best ... Please Remember The Novocaine

My new dentist is a former Gopher hockey player. The first time I went to him, he took great care of me in an emergency situation, so I continue to go back. But last fall I had a cavity (first one in many years), and this morning he recommended replacing an old filling. When I hear these diagnoses, I wonder what my chart may say, because my first conversation with him comes to mind:

BT: Didn't you used to play for the Gophers?

Dr: Yes I did. Have you followed them over the years?

BT's Brain: Just say you love college hockey! Just say you love college hockey!

BT: I'm actually a huge Sioux fan.

Hygienest: Don't say that around him!

Oh well, at least I get to look forward to another new soon-to-be hip/retro silver filling.