USA! USA! USA!

Malcom from the UK wrote me last week, responding to "the bloke who wrote Great Britain, Greater America." It brings me much joy to print his email, with my retorts in italics, on Independence Day. Any spelling errors are his, paragraph breaks added by me as it was one long rant. Don't tread on me.

I'm English and from London. First of all Americans are mostly Northern Europeans, from England and Ireland etc. (Dude, you started off on a wrong note – I’m of Finnish descent and their genetics and culture aren’t related to the rest of the Northern Europeans.) Disrespecting Britain as a country is just disrespecting your roots. Rock N Roll was mostly black music progressing from jazz, and blues that got such inspiration from the atrocious way you treated African-Americans. (Personally, I have never mistreated an African-American. My ancestors moved here decades after slavery was outlawed, so we had nothing to do with it.) I mean you all went over there, killed all the Indians and stole their homes, and a few years later black people seek to set up a respectable life after centuries of slavery and you kill them and surpress them, and you still do today. (And the UK committed no atrocities during its colonial period? Which reminds me, I need to send my monthly check to Sinn Fein. Also, why your obsession with race? You talk to me like all Americans are white Northern Europeans and the blacks and Indians are still non-citizens. I mean, when I travel my neighborhood made up of whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, and American Indians I only see one race … the human race.)

So we ripped off your music huh, fuck off you ripped off black music (Huh? Rock ‘n’ roll was born from both blacks and white Americans – Little Richard, Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Fats Domino, Carl Perkins, Ray Charles etc. What the fuck was the UK doing music-wise in the fifties?) and Elvis topped the charts with it 'cause he was white. (Hey dipshit – Presley topped the country, pop, & R&B charts in the fifties … blacks liked him also.) The 'King' that you love so much was so overated, every one of his songs is written by a different guy. Hey was a good singer, but a dumb fucker. Its like picking all the one hit wonder bands that everyone hates, and just becuase you let some Tennesse boy sing 'em its OK.

Lets compare music history, and while we do think about how bigger and more poulated your country is. (Excuses, excuses.) We had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks. You had Bob Dylan, and that weren't rock n roll, that was folk music. (Moron – everyone knows Dylan plugged in his guitar in the mid-sixties and made killer rock ‘n’ roll. In the sixties we also had James Brown, Motown, Otis Redding, Booker T & the MGs, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Jimi Hendrix, garage rock, the Velvet Underground, Aretha Franklin, Wilson Pickett, the Spector Sound, Sly & the Family Stone, Sam Cooke, Solomon Burke.)

We had Elton John, Black Sabbath, Queen, Cat Stevens, Pink Floyd. (In the seventies we had Earth Wind & Fire, Parliament/Funkadelic, Aerosmith, Stooges, MC5, Cheap Trick, Stevie Wonder, Lynyrd Skynrd, Al Green, the J. Geils Band, funk, disco, Marvin Gaye, Alice Cooper.) I do realize that Cat Stevens and Elton John are not particular rock, but good music cannot be ignored (ill let you have Bob Dylan). We had The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Stone Roses, U2. (U2 is Irish, not British.) You had Bruce Springsten. (And you didn’t!) We had Oasis, Blur, The Manic Street Preachers, Radiohead, The Stereophonics. (All the bands you listed are chumps! Overrated British rock. Plus you forgot the truly great Def Leppard and PJ Harvey. We had the Replacements, Guns n Roses, Public Enemy, Pearl Jam , Van Halen, Metallica, Tom Petty, Run-DMC, Social Distortion, Sleater-Kinney, Husker Du, Soul Asylum) You had REM, and the OVERATED same chord band Nirvana. (Actually it was three chords and those three chords ARE rock ‘n ‘ roll. Nirvana kicked ass, UK bands haven’t kicked ass in twenty years.) It's still going on today, Coldplay (whiny), Muse (who?), Damien Rice (who??) are upcoming.

Now lets go into history quickly, although you don't have much. We ruled the world for hundreds and hundreds of years, we had the first democratic government and inductrial revolution, without it the USA would be nothing today. Today you may have the money, but the world hates you and when your done you're goin to be seriously fucked. (Make up your mind – are we going to be done or seriously fucked?) Your President aomes up your country. (Don’t know what you said here but if you were bashing Bush, I approve.) Also (straying a little from the point) Britian has a history of war and military, we have the greatest army and navy in the world. (You forgot to put that in the past tense.) We were in Bahgdad, while you were in Dad's bag. (Big fuckin’ deal - the Mongols conquered Baghdad centuries before you did and they also conquered more land than you guys ever did. They also easily destroyed any European armies they faced.) We stood against Hitler for 4 years, alone. (Yeah, nice stand at Dunkirk. Reminds me of my Uncle Arne, who served in post WWII Britian and ordered a beer at a pub and asked the bartender to bring it to him “faster than the Brits got out of Dunkirk.”) They tried to invade but we massacred 'em. (Which history book is that in?) And then you yanks come along and pretend like you're the only damn country that one the war. (I’ll be generous here: the Soviets beat the Germans, we beat the Japanese, you guys appeased Hitler with Chamberlain. Oh – and you also declared war on Finland in 1941 … how exactly were you going to fight that one? Ask the USA to do it for you as usual?)

And we're not all Hugh Grants like you see on TV (and your women aren’t all Elizabeth Hurley, obviously), we are superior to you in more ways than music, a Scotsman invented the television, an Englishman discovered evolution. Europe started your food (you didn't invent cheeseburgers) and fashion (you didn't invent Levis). The most intelligent man in the world today is English. (Then why hasn’t he moved here yet?) So the next time you talk about us rippin' off your culture, think twice and look in the mirror, see how similar we look? (Like I said, I’m of Finnish descent, I don’t look like you. Sure, I have dental troubles but my teeth aren’t fucked up like yours are.) You're not from that country you're from ours. It angers me that you, you fuckin' joke of a nation (Yep – you nailed it … our comedy is better than yours also. Also, we invented blues, country, jazz, gospel, rock ‘n’ roll, soul, hip-hop … you??) can try to disrespect GREAT Britain. (Hey check the record: We defeated you in two wars and bailed you out of two others!) We created this world that you thrive upon (then why does the rest of the world drive on the right side of the road?) so fuckin enjoy it before you collapse like the fuckin' Roman Empire and end up slaves. (Only someone from a collapsed empire could provide such a warning. And hey – it’s the twentyfirst century … isn’t it about time you throw your monarchy out on the street and let them fend their own way? On this day, July 4th, 228 years ago, the United States of America declared its independence. Too bad you haven't and are still ruled by inbred Germans.)