You Don't Know If Mad Is Going To Do A Parody

Why sit through four-plus hours of Che when you can get the same story in 96 minutes? Plus Omar Sharif as Che AND Jack Palance as Castro?

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Exiled on Main Street #45

The Union Forever

Friday afternoon I finished watching Ken Burns' Civil War, which I consider required viewing for all Americans. It's that great.

Then an hour or so later, I turned on MSNBC to hear that Texas governor Rick Perry declared that Texas could secede from the USA. Hey doofus: Maybe you heard - Once upon a time, some southern states seceded and declared war on the northern states. A war was fought that left 620,000 Americans dead and one of the verdicts left was that no, states can't secede. Another verdict is that the south got its ass kicked, big-time.

But Perry is a Republican governor of Texas, and we know how bright those guys can be. And as Jay Leno pointed out, if they become their own country we can always invade them for their oil.

Apparently Doug Was A Close, Personal Friend

Craig Leipold, the relatively new owner (he's had them one year) of the Wild fired general manager Doug Risebrough yesterday. Today's Strib sports page shows the perfect example of the contrasts between Patrick Reusse and Sid Hartman. Just check out the headlines:

Reusse: "Feeble spin, wafer-thin skin spell end for Risebrough"

Hartman: "Leipold turns on GM after one year"

Reusse refers to the prior owner of the team, Bob Naegele, as "an eccentric Florida taxpayer." Hartman claims that Naegele wouldn't have made this move and refers to Leipold as "the billionaire from Wisconsin" and a "johnny-come-lately." Reusse mocks Risebrough's efforts as GM while Hartman calls him "one of the best hockey executives in the game."

Both of these columns are fun reads for totally different reasons.

Tax Day Chaos? No Problem In The End!

Wednesday night I left my class at The Loft shortly after 7:00 pm and decided to head over to Surdyk's to buy some booze. I saw a few latecomers on a nearby sidewalk walking to Metrodome for the Twins game. I made a mental note to tune in the game when I got in my car. As I headed west/northwest (whatever direction it is) towards 3rd Avenue, traffic was backed up in the far-right lane of Washington Avenue. What the hell, I thought, I'm driving away from Metrodome ... what's the problem? Geez, I shoulda taken Chicago home and stopped at Chicago-Lake Liquors! Assuming it was an accident or road construction, I figured things would be better once I got onto 3rd Avenue. But no, things were still backed up there. WTF? I thought, All that's over here is a Dunn Brothers, a hotel, and that funky building that Joel used to work in!

Then I realized why traffic was so slow: There was a long line of cars taking left turns off of 3rd to get to the big ol' Postal Service facility that is open until 8:00 p.m. And this was tax day. I shortly got over the 3rd Avenue Bridge into Northeast and was able to get to Surdyk's. The eventual payoff? Surdyk's is now stocking Rittenhouse 80-proof rye and it was on sale for the same price as Old Overcoat! And its regular price ain't much more than the Overcoat. This of course means an Overcoat vs. Rittenhouse taste-off during my now-started staycation. Heavens.

Email From A Listener Read On Dan Barreiro's Program Today (Sadly, I Did Not Write It)

The problem those priests have with President Obama speaking at Notre Dame is that he is too old for them.

Yes! Cat Interrupts Home Opener At Citi Taxpayer Field!

Cats are amazing creatures. This cat at tonight's Mets game shows the typical housecat's amazing vertical leap - going six times its height or more is no problemo. What you don't see is a cat's speed. A humble tabby cat who doesn't work out and rarely leaves her second-floor apartment would handily beat Carlos Gomez or Adrian Peterson in a footrace.

Where Is The List Of Minneapolis Bars With Wi-Fi?

A few weeks ago the hard drive on my iMac crashed and needed to be replaced. I was so disgusted with Apple that ... I went out and bought a MacBook laptop, plus an Airport Express so I can print and get to the Internet wirelessly. So now in my little home office, the iMac desktop is the accounting computer and the MacBook is my writing computer. Plus all my CDs are now in my iTunes so the laptop will also be hooked up to my stereo to play those. (This means my CDs are now out of the living room and their place near the stereo is now filled by vinyl!)

So now I'm looking forward to being Writer Guy At The Coffee Shop With His Laptop. I know I won't be able to give up the Mead Five Star notebooks for creating prose, but the laptop will come in handy for typing up my handwritten notes. Perhaps more importantly, it will be there in case the joint is playing Bjork and then I can listen to the Faces on headphones instead.

The Little Eleven

I caught most of the first half of the NCAA hoops title game and it appeared that Michigan State was doing what Ohio State invariably does when it gets a berth in the BCS college football title game: Look shell-shocked and not at all deserving of being on such a stage.

Nice effort Michigan State! And the Big Ten? You have once again proven to be a mediocre football and basketball conference.

Dave Catches On To Something I've Been Saying For Years:

Dean Blais looks like David Letterman

STRINGER BELL IS ON THE OFFICE

Okay, I missed the episode last week. So maybe everybody knows this, but:

STRINGER BELL IS ON THE OFFICE

What A Horrible Place To Work, Part 23

In the mid-nineties I took a business trip to Chicago. The company handled booking my flight. I flew into O'Hare in the morning, took a cab downtown for the meeting, grabbed lunch, and then took a cab back to O'Hare.

While my expenses were paid in full, a copy of my expense report was sent back to me with some scribblings from my boss's boss in red ink. I was being scolded for not taking the less-expensive train from O'Hare to and from downtown. I was a little dumbfounded: A) Nobody at the company had given me any info on this train, which I only knew about from The Blues Brothers because it ran right by Elwood's apartment, and B) I wasn't an expert on mass transit in major American cities.

I wrote a note back to the bosses. I think I was wise (?) enough to bring up that nobody informed about my mass transit options, but know for sure I did write this: "Who Watches The Watchmen??"

A Quote From One Of The Very Earliest Episodes Of Homicide

John Munch: "A million people died in the potato famine. Ireland is an island. An island by definition is surrounded by fish. A million people died because they didn't like fish."

"Put Your Street Clothes On, 'Cause I Got No Time For Quitters!"

My North Central American English accent is sufficiently thick enough where I can do a pretty good Kurt Russell as Herb Brooks in Miracle.

(And yes, Brooks did talk this way - I heard him many times on local radio before he sadly passed away.)

2009: Tuomala Embraces Scotch

(And I'm drinking the cheap stuff cut with club soda as recommended by Esquire!)

First sip: Ugh, why did I pour this?
Halfway through first glass: Hey, not bad!
Third scotch and soda: I like scotch! I'm a man! I'm forty-(three)!