Monday, January 31, 2005

He's Either Onto Something Or He's On Something

The Common Man just reiterated my stance that Roger Maris is the true single-season home run champion

Friday, January 28, 2005

Life During Wartime

Man, I have always always always despised the Talking Heads. But tonight on my area's new music station, The Current, Mark Wheat played an absolute haunting and stunning version of the Heads' "Life During Wartime" by Minneapolis heroes The Rank Strangers. I gotta admit, the lyrics are pretty cool.

I did some websurfing and have come to believe that the Rank Strangers' version of the song was only released as the b-side of the seven-inch of "Ana Voog Is Sleeping" in 1998. I'll have to hit the indie record stores soon and see if by chance any copies are still out there.

I may write more about The Current after a couple more weeks of listening. One good thing: Hearing Mary Lucia's voice again. One bad thing: "The Current" sounds like a name of a pro roller-hockey team.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Rocks Off: Rejecting The Policy Of Fraters Libertaszation

My guy Saint Paul over at Fraters Libertas (I won't out his identity, but can you truly trust a dude with two first names?) writes about me, Molotov cocktails, and post-WWII Finland/Soviet Union relations. And he even drops the offensive "F" word ... finlandization. While casual observers (those who read a single Wikipedia entry) of Finland's history use terms like "finlandization" and "appeasement," the correct term (used by those of us who read three Wikipedia entries) is "geographic realism." Check out this fascinating entry from Wikipedia:

Authorities on the foreign relations of Finland often argue that proponents of the term "Finlandization" persistently failed to recognize that Finland had achieved its negotiating position after successfully fending off military attacks of the Soviet Union in the Winter War (1939) and the Continuation War (1941). While the Soviets certainly didn't actively fear the Finns, those who were in charge of handling relations with Finland have since openly admitted that relations with Finland were handled with the same care that they would have handled relations with a super-power.

Yep - Finland handled with care like a superpower. Compare that to the better-red-than-dead (in)actions of the rest of post-WWII Eastern Europe. Sisu!
Rock, Be Rocked, Or Step Aside

I will be at the Triple Rock tonight for a highly-anticipated show by the Squabs. If you're into non-fey-or-wussy (i.e. REAL) rock 'n' roll and Gibsons and harmonicas and a kickass band that's halfway between Guns 'n Roses and the Stooges, then come on out and buy me an Old Style!

The details directly from The Squabs:

Three-way @ the Triple Rock, Thursday Jan 27

Join us for a Menage-a-Cock-Rockin' assault on your senses as the Squabs join the All American Cheap Shots and Six Six Crush in an orgy of punk-infused-sleaze guaranteed to give you multiple eargasms. Rich will bring the baby oil and the blow-up Sheep, you provide your own protection.

Where: Triple Rock Social Club, 629 Cedar Ave, Minneapolis
When: Thursday, January 27th

The Squabs 11pm
All American Cheap Shots 10pm
Six Six Crush 9pm

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

At The Bar (Part V)

The bartender, who I am quite fond of, suddenly leans in and holds up a bar tab so that only I can read her lips. Though I can hear her. "See the bald guy over there?" Yeah, I say. And I had noticed him, trying to flirt with her, buying and doing a shot with her. "I think he's a serial killer," she says. "I was watching Montel today and he listed all the symptoms of a serial killer, and this guy matches all of them." Wow, I say. "Don't leave here alone," she says. "I'm having somebody walk me to my car when I leave." Okay, I say. "And don't look at him," she says. Not a problem, I say, because I can't keep my eyes off of you. She smiles.

And later I grinned and thought: You will always look good to the ladies in comparision to a serial killer.

Friday, January 21, 2005

I Wouldn't Join Any Club That Would Have Me?

The social event of the season:

The next MOB (Minnesota Organization of Bloggers) party is January 22nd at Keegan's Irish Pub (16 University Avenue NE, Minneapolis.) The bash starts at 5:00 p.m.

So come on out and see me have a couple, three beers and do stoopid stuff like:

1) Ask The Elder from Fraters Libertas if he'll "head down the street to Whitey's for a Stroh's Dark and then go to the Pepper for some ham grinders with taco meat."

2) Challenge Saint Paul from Fraters to arm wrestle to see who Jessy Greene loves the most.

3) Continually tell Lileks that "West Fargo is a tough-guy town."

You Be Illin': It's Saturday night around seven. I woke up this afternoon around 1:30 with a sore throat. I drank a bunch of water, had some cereal, and read the paper. Then I went back to sleep and just woke up. I could rally and make it down to Keegan's (gotta go out and move the car across the street for the snow emergency anyway), but one inadvertent handshake could start a chain reaction that makes the whole room sick. I won't be the guy who shuts down the Twin Cities' blogosphere for a few days.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Father Knows Best
Should've Asked Him If He Had Money On The Miracle Mets

My Dad called me last Sunday and during our conversation I found out that he won money on two of the biggest sports upsets of the sixties:

1) Made ten bucks betting on the New York Jets in Super Bowl III, and

2) Made money betting on Cassius Clay in his first fight against Sonny Liston.

Dad has given me great advice over the years, and sometimes I was smart enough to listen. And now I know who to go to for betting tips.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

If You Admire This Guy Or His Family Then You're Even Dumber Than I Thought You Were

He's inbred, he's German ... so why is everyone so shocked?

Further inbred royalty trivia: Three countries fighting in WWI had first cousins as ruling royalty. My cousins and I battle in a yearly Jarts tournament ... but stupid Eurotrash royal fucks go to war!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


Did you know that an anti-war Finn was lynched in Minnesota 87 years ago?

Monday, January 17, 2005

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

Text of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech:

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Sunday, January 16, 2005

George W. Bush Football Curse

I've been talking with my brother in Denver and we figured something out:

The Denver Broncos were 4-1, then coach Mike Shanahan introduced George W. Bush at a campaign rally. The Broncos went 6-5 since then, including a win in the last game of the season against the Indianapolis Colts' second string. The Bronocos were then annihilated by the Colts in the playoffs to end their season.

The Minnesota Vikings were 5-1, then coach Mike Tice introduced George W. Bush at a campaign rally. The Vikings went 3-7 since then, but knocked off the Green Bay Packers in their first playoff game. They then got destroyed by the Philadelpia Eagles to end their season.

If you ignore the Vikings defense and Broncos QB Jake Plummer, all signs point to a George W. Bush Football Curse.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Mooning USA

Randy Moss is a punk and a cancer, but he has brought mooning to the forefront of pop culture discussion, and to that I say "hell yeah!" For instance, on ESPN's "Pardon The Interruption Show" this week, they've been asking their guests if they have ever mooned anyone:

Sean Salisbury: "Hey, I went to college. Enough said."

Troy Aikman: "I take the Fifth."

Peter King: "Yes, on a bus while playing for my high school baseball team. I was suspended for a game and worse, had to face my father."

Here are one man's favorite mooning memories:

- My first exposure: Walking home from school in the fifth grade and being mooned by the Heritage High School soccer team, passing by on a bus. (It just dawned on me that my brother may have had friends on this team.)

- By a year, the above predated the best-ever mooning episode in a movie: The Charlestown Chiefs mooning opposing fans from a bus in Slapshot.

- Early eighties, Leek Lake Minnesota, heading out to the woods near the gravel road to "catch a few cars" with my buds.

- Year after year, continually getting mooned by same buds in the boat while they're pulling me waterskiing.

- 1990, at a party at my friend Bob's apartment in St. Paul. My former UND roomie Kasey was there. We drank a bunch of beers and yukked it up. Then Kasey left. Soon the phone rang, it was Kasey and he asked for me. "Put the TV on channel 6!" He said. I tuned to channel 6, which was tuned into the security camera in the front lobby. And there was Kasey in the lobby mooning me.

- Finally, Moss's actions last week weren't even the best NFL mooning event ever. That honor rests with Jim McMahon, who actually dropped trou:

During the playoffs (McMahon) had worn a headband. That was fine by the NFL. But commissioner Pete Rozelle took exception to McMahon's added touch, a handwritten ADIDAS across the front. Get rid of it, Rozelle commanded. McMahon did, replacing it with one bearing a handwritten ROZELLE. The commissioner shrugged, laughed, and that was that.

McMahon arrived in New Orleans for Super Bowl XX with a sore butt, an injury from the NFC Championship Game. He wanted Hiroshi Shiriashi to treat it with acupuncture. No way, the Bears said. But traditional treatment failed, the Bears relented, McMahon got Shiriashi, McMahon's rear end improved -- and it became a star in its own right when McMahon mooned a helicopter hovering over a Bears practice.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

When Reactionaries Don't React

Hey how come during that whole "freedom fries" thing, no one ever bothered renaming Vermont?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

You Know You're Doing Some Hot Blogging When You Reference Roger Miller In Two Of Your Last Five Posts

For years I thought that Prince was ripping off Bon Scott with the grammatically-incorrect-but-sounds-cool lyrical trick of rhyming "star" with "I are".

AC/DC's "Rock & Roll Star":

Gonna be a rock 'n' roll singer
I'm gonna be a rock 'n' roll
A rock 'n' roll star
Yes I are

Prince's "Baby I'm A Star":

Baby yes I are
I'm a star

Turns out they are both ripping off Roger Miller from "Kansas City Star":

Kansas City star
That’s what I are

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Tice And Moss: Creepy

Dan Barrerio interviewed Vikings coach Mike Tice the other night on KFAN. The way Tice talks with Randy Moss is creepy. Creepy like how a couple of years ago when Moss returned to practice after being arrested for trying to run over a traffic cop. Tice chewed Moss out, and then Moss later said something like: "All you did was yell at me and all I wanted was a hug." Whatta fucking sap!

Anyway ... in this excerpt below, Moss and Tice try to explain Journalism 101 (with Sid Hartman as a prime example) to Dan Barrerio:

Randy Moss: The reason why I don't like 'em okay? Because If you're supposed to be the local media, you're supposed to stand behind your home team through thick and thin. And we haven't had that since I've been here seven years, so why give them the benefit of doing an interview with me? I know Andrea Kramer and Coach Jimmy Johnson, so I just gave them interviews. I mean, it's nothing against, you know, me doing an interview and not giving them one. It's just I don't like giving interviews with people here in Minneapolis, it's as simple as that.

Dan Barrerio: For the sake of our local media, they don't need me to speak for them; but first of all there are a couple media members locally - I think, Randy, in fact, I think one you may be the only one that you talk to regularly, who is very much behind the local team, is in fact a cheerleader and apologist sometimes for the local team, but I think the job a lot of us look at as -

Tice: Are you picking on Sid (Hartman), Dan?

Barrerio: I'm picking on Sid a little -

Tice: Why would you pick on Sid? Because Sid's positive, now you wanna say he's an apologist. Sid has the right idea. Sid's behind the local teams thick and thin. Sid has the right idea. And that's what Randy's talking about.

Sunday, January 02, 2005


That's the sound of the Minnesota Vikings backing into the NFC playoffs.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Billy's Best, Favorite, And Worst Of 2004
Geez, Dude, How Self-Referential Can You Get?

Favorite 2004 Albums By Artists I Didn't Previously Own Other Albums By:

Neko Case - The Tigers Have Spoken
Eagles of Death Metal - Peace, Love, Death Metal
The Hold Steady Almost Killed Me
Naked Jesus - The Nude Testament
Friends Like These - Deliver Us From Evil EP

Favorite Pre-2004 Albums By Artists I Didn't Previously Own Other Albums By:

Atmosphere - Seven's Travels
The Fabulous Charlie Rich
Bobby "Blue" Bland - Two Steps From The Blues
Bee Gees Gold Vol. 1
Vanilla Fudge
Billy's Best Of Bubblegum
The Everly Brothers - 24 Original Classics

Favorite Band of the Year, Past or Present: Cheap Trick

Best Show: PJ Harvey at First Avenue, October

Worst Rock Trend: Okay these bands have likely been around for a while, but I'm sick of long crappy band names that have death themes in their titles ... Death Cab For Cutie, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Dogs Die In Hot Cars - I can't hum or name a single tune you do, but I hate you all. Please go away.

Best Beer (Spendy): Lowenbrau

Best Beer (Cheap): Schlitz

Best Country Bar Moment: Cute Punk Rock Chick kissing me at the ATM. Some accounts say it was a makeout session, but it depends who's telling the story and how much you buy into the Tuomala Myth.

Best Country Bar Moment #2: My favorite bartender showing me the jeans she got for Christmas ... while she was wearing them.

Best CC Club Moment: On my birthday, dancing to Marty Robbins's "El Paso" ... with a Mexican girl.

Best Homer Simpson Food: Scotch Egg at Brit's.

Best Tuomala Artistic Non-Writing Achievement: Hey Kids! Poster

Best Tuomala Writing Achievement That Was Ripped Off: Dan "The Common Man" Cole on KFAN declaring that: "If Bush had been in office during the Cuban Missile Crisis, he would have invaded Mexico." (Common emailed me and apologized for the theft.)

Best Tuomala Flip-Flop: Cats now rule. Dogs slobber and bark too much.

Best Athletic Achievement: With my cousin Will, winning the Parvey Family Jart Tournament. For any Parveys reading: 1) I am the only Parvey to win with three different partners (carrying me); and 2) I hold the record for longest stretch between championships - fifteen years, 1989 to 2004.

Best & Worst Athletic Achievement: Waterskiing on Labor Day weekend at age 39; then wiping out and hitting the water at 40 mph, leaving a huge bruise up the back of my right leg up to my lower back. Okay, it was actually 38 mph but I rounded up.

Best Tuomala Line: (When asked by a girl if it mattered to me whether breasts were real or fake.) "I'm more of an ass man."