No Lectures on My Coffee Intake, Thank You

I had a physical last week and all the tests came out "pretty good" (so sez the Doc.) The one bone he had to pick with me was my booze intake. Supposedly, you are only supposed to have two drinks a day, maximum. And you can't carry them over, i.e. if you don't drink Monday or Tuesday that doesn't mean you are entitled to six drinks on Hump Day.

I truly wonder: Why the hell hasn't the booze lobby gotten to the AMA yet? (AMA = American Mormon Association?) Doctors will prescribe you any and every pill they can, but you pour some OTC depressants into your system and somehow that's verboten.

Anyway, here's my top ten (silent) responses to the doctor's Two-Drink Maximum Rule:

1) Two beers? Yeah, then you stop briefly to order the pizza.

2) I hope you're talking brands, not twelve-ouncers.

3) But what if I'm not sleepy enough after two?

4) I'm Finnish.

5) I'm a writer.

6) I'm a Finnish writer.

7) Then why is it called a two-drink minimum?

8) But after two, I always feel like four, five and maybe six if tomorrow doesn't look too imposing.

9) I don't throw good jarts until after at least two.

10) Wait - we're supposed to mean it when we say: "Let's have a couple of beers"?

(Thanks to Carin for #3.)