A Gopher-Slurping Homer Gets His Due

Yes! Jeff Dubay has been removed from Gopher hockey coverage by FSN, so I won't have to deal with his homer takes before and after the Sioux's games against the Gophers this weekend. Dubay loudly disparaged a referee last weekend (Rule #1 for Minnesota Homers: The refs are out to screw us) and the WCHA had FSN look into it.

The story doesn't say whether "Bunny" was outright fired, which would be even more glorious.

Hockey Day Minnesota's Nightcap: Starring The Suomalainen

Minnesota's population: 4.9 million
Finland's population: 5.2 million

Number each had participating in last night's Wild vs. Stars game-ending shootout (including goalies):

Minnesota: 1
Finland: 7

State of Punching Bags

It's "Hockey Day Minnesota", with a high school game, Minnesota vs. Denver game, and Wild vs. Stars game all on FSN. I have the Gophers/Pioneers game on, and a Gopher player just ran into the goalie. The first contact may have been accidental, but as the players went to the ice, Gopher O'Brien threw a hard forearm at DU's goalie. A donnybrook (as FSN's Frank calls 'em) breaks out and soon I see on the ice two DU players on top of two UM players, the Denver guys wailing away and the Gophers taking the punishment.

What a pitiful display by the maroon and gold. Run the goalie and then fold like a card table. I thought this edition of the Gopher team wasn't soft?

I'm off to the Xcel soon for the Wild game. Hopefully both teams tonight have tough guys.

My Pal Joel Calls It Star Search

American Idol starts tonight (and Fox 9 actually had a "news" story on it last night, crap like that is why I rarely watch local newscasts.) Which means it's time to dust off that timeless Charles Barkley quote:

"I got two pet peeves: If you watch American Idol, or you're one of those doofuses who dress up as Star Wars and sleep outside, you're a stone-cold loser."

The Furthest East I've Ever Been Is Cincinatti. And It Was For Work And I Got To Drink All Afternoon On The Company's Tab (And Somehow They Also Ended Up Paying For My Long-Distance Phone Conversation With Bob Schultz)

Deejayed Saturday night at The King & I. It was a blast. I had finished up a set that included New York Dolls, Stooges, Husker Du, 'Mats, Soul Asylum, and Prince. Somebody asked: "Are you from New York?"

I replied: "No, I'm from North Dakota."

I Can't Decide Which Analogy I Prefer

Craig Crawford's:

Instead, the president chose a direction that is destined to be undermined by Democrats, denounced by the news media and dismissed, if not ridiculed, by his most hawkish supporters. To many, the latest iteration of his unilateral decision-making comes across like a scene from the Three Stooges, trying to bail out of a sinking boat by drilling another hole in hopes that it will drain the water.

or Thomas Friedman's:

Whenever I hear this surge idea, I think of a couple who recently got married but the marriage was never very solid. Then one day they say to each other, "Hey, let's have a baby, that will bring us together." It never works.

The Conservative Coalition: Where Does Reality Fit In?

After thinking about President Bush's escalation address with his belligerent threats at Iran and Syria, suddenly it fell into place ... the neoconservative dream of installing democracy in Iraq as a beacon to the rest of the Middle East makes about as much sense as the theory of intelligent design.

Surge Escalation

Do you think that an escalation will stop the ongoing civil war between the Sunni and the Shia? If we send twenty or thirty or forty thousand American troops to Iraq, will they truly put a halt to this civil war?

Do we pull out troops now and save American lives ... or get bogged down for five or ten more years, waste more American lives, and have the same outcome?

If you think the "troop surge" can be successful, just check out the Bush administration's other campaigns: their occupation of Iraq after the invasion, their handling of the post-Katrina relief efforts, their management of the Clinton budget surplus, their pursuit of Osama bin Laden, their handling of Social Security reform, Dubya's campaigning for all those GOP congressional and senatorial candidates in 2006 ... and back to Iraq: this crowd hasn't gotten it right from the start. Now they want more troops?

Write your Congressman. Write your Senators. No more American lives wasted in an Iraq civil war. Bring the troops home in 2007. Don't let Bush put this off on his successor.

Music and Drinks, The King and I Lounge, Saturday January 13th

You're invited to The King and I Lounge when the Fun Boys (Benjamin Pagel & Justin Martinez) and Exiled on Main Street (Bill Tuomala) deejay a night of rock 'n' roll.

The music starts at 10:30 p.m.

King and I Thai
1346 LaSalle Ave.
Minneapolis


(I was digging through the vinyl archives over the weekend and came across a Neil Young dance remix single I have. Alas, it is warped and I don't know if it will straightened out by Saturday. If you think the idea of a Neil Young dance remix is some sort of Tuomala Goof, then you have forgotten his Trans album from 1983.)

James Brown, 1933-2006

From Rock Dreams, prose by Nik Cohn:

Soul Brother Number One, with his private aeroplanes, in his silken robes, moving in a cloud of perfume and wealth; without rest, he travelled back and forth throughout his nation, like a sultan, like a healer, and everywhere that he moved, he dealt out largesse for the afflicted, joy for the sorrowing, rage for the faint of heart ...

Get It Straight

Where Radar's "The 10 most dangerous toys of all time" fails in listing Jarts at number one is that a Jart is a piece of athletic equipment, not a toy.

Looking forward to more Jarts matches in 2007! Happy new year.

My Nomination for Homersota.com Homer of the Week

The Star Tribune's Christmas Day article naming the Minnesota Twins organization Sportsperson of the Year 2006 is homer-rific and laughable for so many reasons:

1) The goofy accompanying illustration that shows Twins players as gods bursting out of the Metrodome, Ron Gardenhire in a joyful Santa-like pose, and Terry Ryan and Dave St. Peter eagerly awaiting your taxpayer-dollars welfare contribution.

2) The article starts by asking us to "forget how it all ended, with that three-game series against Oakland that was over in the blink of an eye." It would have been easier to forget if shortly thereafter Oakland hadn't fired their manager ... the one who couldn't take them to the World Series.

3) "2006 might rank up there with the World Series title years of 1987 and 1991. That's because of the dramatic events that played out in government circles, leading to the passage of the new ballpark." Prose like this leads you to believe that the 2006 Minnesota legislative hearings will soon show up on ESPN Classic.

4) Towards the end of the article, it assures us that "the Twins never take themselves too seriously." Lessee ... aren't: A) lobbying year after year in the legislature and B) using threats of moving or contracting the team to get leverage for a taxpayer-funded stadium the acts of an organization that takes itself way too seriously?

Secret Nixon

What I had neglected to mention in my essay on Secret Honor in the lastest issue of Exiled was the other great secret Nixon in popular culture. I think I had made a mental note to put it in the preliminary notes that led to my essay, but failed to do so.

The other great secret Nixon is from The Onion's 1999 book Our Dumb Century. It treats Nixon like the lawbreaker he was. The late Gerald Ford's pardon of Nixon only highlights his criminal behavior. (I agree with what Chris Matthews said today: For Nixon to be pardoned, he should have signed a full confession to his crimes.) The successive headlines from The Onion:

NIXON ORDERED TO HAND OVER 8-TRACK TAPES
Contents of Tapes Leaked to Washington Post by Anonymous Source Known as 'Deep Purple'

NIXON ARRRESTED IN CONNECTION WITH WATERGATE BREAK-IN
President Handcuffed, Taken to Prison in Oval Office Bust
Chief Executive Resists Arrest, Threatens Officers
Judge Sirica Denies Bail

NIXON ESCAPES
VP Agnew Assists Nixon in Escape, Drives Getaway Car
Pair Believed to Be Headed to Mexico in '71 Dodge Dart
Executive Branch 'Armed and Extremely Dangerous'

FEDS GUN DOWN NIXON OUTSIDE ARIZONA HOTEL
FBI Agents Bring Down Fugitive President in Hail of Gunfire
6-Day, 10-State Executive Killing Spree Comes to End: Agnew Still at Large

Special "Because The People Demanded It, An All-Fantasy Football Christmas Post"

My fantasy football team, The Moe Greens, clinched its league's Fantasy Bowl Championship tonight. I have got to be a shoe-in for General Manager of the Year. The Moe Greens were written off as a serious championship contender when Donovan McNabb went out for the season with an injury, but my key pickups - Tony (as Common calls him, "The Rib Guy") Romo, Robbie Gould, the platoon of San Diego's and Buffalo's defenses - filled the gaps more than adequetely.

I saved my masterstroke for the championship game. Worried about my running back situation, I picked up Houston's Ron Dayne off of waivers and plugged him into the starting line-up. Why? He's been hot lately and the Texans were playing those horrible run-stoppers the Colts. The result: Dayne gallops for 153 yards and two touchdowns.

But winning a Yahoo public league means next year I can play in a winner's league. Last time I did that I finished seventh. Oh well, might as well take the plunge next fall and spare all y'all these types of posts.

Merry Christmas!

Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robin layed an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
The Joker got away